Make It Stop

I don't know if I can handle this anymore. There is nothing that I wouldn't do to be with you. As time moves forward, I am still standing still. I open one door just to have it slammed in my face. I pray but nothing ever happens. I start to wonder if there is a God. I am told that I shouldn't ask that question but how am I not suppose too?

The day you died was the day that my life ended. I haven't been the same and probably never will be.

I hope that you are safe. I know that you have to be since you are not here. There is so much that I want to tell you but I can't find the words. I know that some people blame me, hell, I even blame myself but I can't keep doing this.

I wasn't there and I'm sorry. I wish I could have stopped it and even traded places for you. I know that if it would have been me instead of you then everyone would have been a lot happier. I pray that I will wake up and you will be here. I promise you that if I ever see you again, I will tell you all that I want to tell you.

I am sorry for the way that people had treated you when you were here. I tried to make them stop but i was only told that I hadn't a clue as to what was going on. I had a clue and I have a clue now. I watch those same people walk around and all I can think of is, why you? Why couldn't it have been someone else?

One year and the pain won't go away

It has been a year since you died. Today is not a day of celebrating even though it is the one year anniversary of you death.

I cried, oh how I cried but my pain didn't ease. My pain has driven a stake in me and I can't pull it out.

It doesn't seem real and I try to make myself remember all those happy times that we had together and I am taken back to the day you died.

The day you died is a memory that I wish would go away. I can't sleep and when I do, I am awaken by this feeling that I cannot explain.

I try to push forward but I am stuck in time. Time has stood still since that day and moving forward doesn't seem like an option for me.

I am told that I am strong but on the inside, I am the weakest that I have ever been. I scream on the inside and no one hears me. I fight my fears but they have all come true.

I sink inside of this dark pitted place and I can't climb my way out.

I long for something that is no longer there. I want you and I would give anything to have you.

I begged God and I pleaded. I should have been the one who died that day and not you. Everyone would have dealt with it better if it was me. I don't understand and I try too but my heart hurts.

Please come back to me. I will change everything if I could just have one more day with you. One more day, that is all I ask for.

Mother's Day

I am writing this a bit late but I still wanted to tell you how my Mother's Day went.

I woke up with a great surprise as Autumn, Christina, and Gracie gave me a bundle of flowers each. I was missing one though. I never received flowers from you this year.

Mother's Day wasn't the same without you here with me.

That night as I went to sleep, I had a dream about you. In my dream you were smiling and playing with the kids. I didn't want that dream to end but I eventually woke up. I am glad that I had the dream, I guess it was your way of telling me that even though I couldn't see you on Mother's Day, you were still here with me.

I miss Gaje. I never in my life would have ever thought that I would have to deal with so much pain. You being gone only makes me be thankful for the time that we had together and regretful that I didn't get to see you grow up.

I love you baby.